February Second, 2010, 2047 hours.

Tuesday. Second day I am being away from him. The whole world is like with me now. My line got barred, giving me another good reason neither to call nor text him. I know myself very well; and I am glad my line got barred. And am not planning to pay it. Not now.

Am all alone now. At the Mc Donalds, waiting for my Pharra. I was sleeping earlier, and papa woke me up for Maghrib, when a text coming in. It was from him. Saying “I miss you already, how are you?” Man, can I really escape from this? I don’t want this happen to me again. I’ve been there once, long ago when I was with Lee. And I can still remember the pain. I won’t let this happen to me again.

But how can I? I am here, wanting my mp3 badly to make my mind free, and the worst part, my mp3 is with him now. I was looking for my hair bend, and I couldn’t found it, and here I am, wearing his scarf. I am lighting my stick using his lighter, and my AX shades is still with him now! And I have to get his air ticket to Krabi in a while, as I promised to get it done by now. And I promised him that I’ll take him to the Steve McCurry’s Exhibition, and I saw his comment in the Alphanatics.com asking me on that. God, how should I take it?

When I got home after work this evening, I saw both my bantal hitam outside. I took it in. To recall, one of it papa buang kekabu and replaced it with the one I bought after sent him home. (And yes, he was the one who forced me to get it that day.) Papa filled it until it full, and I don’t like it. This evening, I saw another one was filled full as well. To be honest, I don’t like it. When I hug it, I felt completely different, as if there were totally not mine! Again, to be honest, I cried. Yes, you have no idea how I sayang them. Really! I took them everywhere I go, and I repeat myself, every-where!

I got my mind floating.. it was the exact bantal hitam that I’ve always had on my bed! The same covers, except that the different filled! And they become completely strangers to me! They changed inside, although they are still the same; outside. I guess people are like that, too! That made me sad. Why do people change inside, most of the time? It’s true it’s a nature call, people have to change accordingly to the needs and wants from time to time, but I can’t take it! Call me conservative, I am!

As day passing by, I miss everything I used to have in my life; more and more!

February First, 2010, 2121 hours.

Monday. Hari Wilayah. It is a public holiday for those who work in Kuala Lumpur.

Nana and I, purposely took a day off, and it was planned since weeks ago.

I woke up pretty early. Went to de Palma Inn, had my breakfast with Izwan Taufiq. We had quite a long talk, and there I go again, failed myself in the one and only thing I’ve always fail; relationship. 19012010-01022010. I envy her to win over. I saw her; she is not even close to what I have! Yet, she won! Pathetic me! I keep telling myself how stupid I am, how pathetic I am to myself. I feel sorry for myself, and at the same damn time, I am very angry with myself.

I feel extremely bad, how on earth this is always happening to me? Almost all of the time! Same stories every-time; it went all good at the beginning. And this time, I was only about three months late! Again, pathetic! I guess it’s all been written in my fate. I have neither no luck nor charm; I supposed God has His reason. What else can I really do? Am ready to giving in; to whatever!

I fetch Nana approximately around 1030 hours, had my second breakfast of the day (I told her I haven’t had my breakfast, I don’t even tell her about those things). We were waiting for Kak Piyaman to finish her short-duty. I tried hard to take for granted on him, somehow I just couldn’t get him out of my mind.. and I was just helpless!

Eventually, I texted him, I told him that I need a space to calm myself down. He told me he never wanna walk away, he wanted to keep whatever we have as it is. Silly! Firmly, I replied him that I’ll stay away, and I’ll decide.

After the breakfast, Nana and I went straight to Kak Piayaman’s place, waited for her to come back from Hospital Putrajaya. We had our lunch (she tapau for us) and we eat as we enjoying the Oprah Show before chowing off to Pavilion.

Kak Piyaman and I had this idea of showering ourselves with self-rewarding activities; few weeks ago. I drove faix’s-whitey-sporty-3-series-new-Beamer (faix switched this with my Lancer), we spent few hours spoiled ourselves at the Chocolate Bar where both Nana and I had ourselves Miss Coco Frap while Kak Piyaman had her Fair Lady Frap, with on top of the yummie Black and White Chocolate Cheese, Thai Curry Chicken Pie and a big plate of Chocolate Affair (of strawberries, oranges, kiwis as well as banana lavishly dipped into the splendid hot chocolate)! Delicious!

Pretty full with that, Kak Piyaman and I pampered ourselves again; we went to the Kinkoo (I am not sure of the exact name, all I know it was a massage & reflexology centre), we relaxed, had our Aroma Foot Bath, Reflexology Massage, Shoulder Massage as well as the Fish Spa! What a day! I love this girls-day-out; and I eventually almost forget about what I had earlier in the morning!

Done with that, we indulged ourselves for the last time after 5 hours in Pavilion at The Loaf, had our hi-tea with the fluffy breads! I can’t tell more, I had a pretty good day with my girls, although I had pretty bad intro earlier of the day!

Conclusion

1.       Fuck all the emotional-issue-relates-with-guys.

2.      Dig a little strength to start moving (no matter how hard in the beginning..)

3.      Go out with our best-girls and enjoy, do whatever we always wanted to do!

4.      Go crazee, indulge and appreciate ourselves like nobody business! What counts is the happiness, shower ourselves lavishly all day, and SMILE!

P/s: I gotta sleep early, I’ll post this tomorrow morning. I am ready to focus and keep myself on track. Work, I love my work! Weee..!!

i am happy!!

met someone extremely interesting!

190110

heck am doing here..??

what the fuck is happening in my life..??

where is this world am living in..??

damn!

why does it hurt so bad
why do I feel so sad
thought I was over you
but I keep cryin’
when I don’t love you
so why does it hurt so bad
I thought I had let you go
so why does it hurt me so
gotta get you out of my head
it hurts so bad, uh, hurts so badly

my life’s been better since the day I left you boy(girl)
I must admit life’s been kind to me
I went and did the things I said I would do boy(girl)
I found someone who loves me for me, yeah
haven’t had much drama since the day that we split boy(girl)
my hearts never been more at ease
and when I think of all the things you put me through
leavin’ you has been the best thing for me

so why does it hurt so bad
why do I feel so sad
I thought I was over you
but I keep cryin’ when I don’t love you
so why does it hurt so badly
baby, I thought I had let you go
so why does it hurt me so
I gotta get you out of my head
hurts me so bad
(hurts so) yeah ya did
(hurts so) hurts me so
(hurts so bad) did you know
that it hurts me
(hurts so) so
(hurts so) so, baby, hey-oh!

never again, that’s what I said to myself
oh, never wanna feel your kinda pain again, no
hey! just when I think it’s over
just when I think it’s through
I find myself right back in love with you

so why does it hurt so bad
oh baby, why do I feel so sad
thought I, thought I
thought I was over you
I keep cryin’
when I dont love you
when I really don’t love you boy(girl)
oh-no, oh-no, oh-no, oh-no!
it hurt so bad boy(girl), tell me
thought I could let you go by
so why does it hurt me so
I gotta get you outta my head
boy(girl) u hurt me so bad
(hurts so) yeah ya did
(hurts so) hurts so
(hurts so) hurts so, hurts so
(hurts so) sure you did
(hurts so) you make me wanna
(hurts so) you make me wanna..shoot you
(hurts so) hurts so
(hurts so) gotta shoot, now
(hurts so bad) hey
(hurts so) hurts me so
(hurts so) yeah ya did, babe, alright
You hurt me so bad, bad
How about that?

i feel like breaking down right now when i saw his facebook saying that he is getting engage.. 

It’s raining outside, and am kinda enjoying my time right now. Am all alone, in my room, listening to the sad-love-songs, thinking about my life; and everything that come-across my mind. Past love, dreams, life, career, feeling, future! It’s just everything!

Most of my writing is telling about that. How bad I wanted to further my study abroad, or how hard for me to let go of hazwan; my greatest past, or how I always wanted a different life, or how I always mad at myself of everything that I feel, or how I just hate being me most of the time. I guess by now am supposed to be tired of complaining and being unhappy about everything. Why can’t I be happier than what I’m feeling right now?? Yet I had no idea. I have almost everything that people wanted in life, and I still feel so empty. I tried many-many-many times to be happier; somehow I guess the word “happy” doesn’t suit me at all.

I always feel like giving up on everything, I just wanna lay back and do nothing. I am tired of the thinking, and I am excessively scared of my own feeling. It is eating me up, and I got hurt every time I tried to be stronger. I really feel like giving up!

Being sad is now a synonym with my life. I am forced to like (and being happy) in my sad life. Pathetic, I know!

I wanted to be stronger, and I wanted to live life happier, but every time I tried and I fail, I became worst! I am shrinking and starting to loose ground. Floating in unknown space and fighting for unreasonable survival. Question like “why on earth I feel like I am the only person feeling this?” popping in and out of my mind continuously. Why other people are living their life without thinking of complaining at all?? How can others keep on moving even when they are not happy? Are they really that strong? Or I am really that weak?

Okay, I am pulling the negative ion in here. So what? I rather being negative than carry on my life with the positive thoughts but in the end; I know I’ll fall collapse right in front of the happiness’ door, just because I can’t take it, nor I can’t bear with it anymore, because I can’t stand the lies I’ve told myself about pretending being positive when am not!

The last day of 2009 I was at the office for the stock take. After work, I fetch mama from acun’s house and went straight back home. Did my packing and heading to penang approximately at 9, but we made a move nearly midnight; that made us at the Guthrie highway exactly 0000 hours January 1^st, 2010; driving.

I am with my other 7 friends in batu feringghi, penang, now. Just after the swim at the beach as well as the pool. Waiting for my turn to take my shower now, before our late lunch! Its 1620 now!

I got my palm read; few weeks ago at Genting Highlands (when I attended the conference in Bukit Tinggi). Finally! I’ve always wanted to do that, and I did it! 2010 is supposed to be a good year for me, and I am looking forward to it! And here I am, starting my year with my usual mixed feeling!

My 26-things-to-be-done-in-2010 is still in my draft. 2009 was an average year for me, and I hope I’ll be doing much better this year!

Curtain falls, am bouncing and out, 2009!

That was the first text I sent for the day. And I sent it to papa, on my way to work. And I almost cried when I sent it.

To recall, I let go of my satria; my first car, my first love on 26th November 2009, the night exactly before the ‘iduladha. It was harder than I ever imagined, and I was ‘carless’ for approximately two days before faix came home with his new beamer. Officially, the lancer is fully mine, but faix took back to johor, and he left his new beamer with me.

Sunday itself kak ija switched her civic with the new beamer, and I use the civic until yesterday, and kak ija took back her civic, switched faix’s beamer with abang wan’s beamer for me.

This morning I let papa do the checking before the engine warm-up, while I was getting ready for work. It was 7 in the morning when am about to leave, and papa said he lost the “cap”. I started to mumble, for he misplaced the cap carelessly (somehow he dropped it in the engine boot). There I was, helping him and getting myself heated.

Eventually, he managed to found the cap around 7.30, and I was kinda late as I used to come out from shah alam by 7.15 the most. On my way, I felt terrible. Papa was only trying to help, to make sure I am safe in my journey, and he was late for his morning jogging, too. What did I do? Instead of thanking him, I just started the engine and chow to work. I feel bad! Really bad! All this while papa was being extremely nice to me, he will always be there for me in no matter what situation, and I never thanked him. He will always be my guardian angel, forever!

Papa, am sorry for all the things I took for granted, and for all the things I mad at you without knowing a single thing, and am sorry for everything. Thank you for loving me that much, without any compromise, you’ll always be there for me. Thank you for just being my father!

i started the new job, as for now, i think i’ll be doing just fine. gotta work hard.

will take back my lancer from faix since he will be getting his new beamer latest 2009 version. that means i’ll have a heavier burden! new love welcomed! (bye-bye to wfv, welcoming jlc for good!)

i am considering to rent out with my QA engineer. traveling from shah alam to batu caves everyday is a headache now!

looking for a house. to buy.

looking for more vacation!

stopped all credit cards usage. only keep paying them off.

new year @ penang.

looking forward for january SPC opening. buckingham is still waiting until July 2010.

thinking of revise the 25 things, carry forward uncompleted task to 2010, and thinking of 2010 list!

getting healthier!

“We can’t gain if we can’t let go. There’s no love without tears, there’s no happiness without sacrifice, and there’s no forever without goodbyes…”

beautiful sunday, naqeeb’s (my nephew) 9th birthday. we celebrated his birthday yesterday, and i got him a really nice wallet, nicer than what his daddy had! haha! *you gotta grow faster & be a man!*

i woke up pretty late, another lazy-sunday in my life. nothing much, the day is so relaxing, and i had whole day doing nothing much useful! i enjoyed the cozy evening; and i feel pretty good all day.

i had my dinner with my nana, and we talked about her ex-bf that chasing after her. and out of nowhere, i am missing my ex, too! i told myself once, recently that i had to let go of him, when he totally let go of me. it’s been so many years after we separated, and i taught i had him wrote-off from my mind by now, but somehow tonight i feel the other way. it is too hard for me to let go of him, and i really don’t understand!

we haven’t talk to each other for years, and i don’t have to mentioned that i never met him again after we broke up, and that was back in 2004!

5 years, and i still can’t get over him!

i tried, so many times, to forget him and move on. ironically, i ended up cheating myself. i have no reason at all to make believe that we will eventually be together, but somehow i keep the faith that i’ll be only his! what the heck!! i am extremely mad with myself!

i even have this crazy idea of writing him a long letter, saying all the things i’ve always wanted him to know! i knew it won’t take me anywhere by doing that, perhaps he might even fly away from me.. but i can’t help myself. i am drowning, lost and miserable thinking of him.

there was a time i think i can handle it well, but i hate the time i can’t even think straight. i wanted to be free from thinking of him! i wanna completely let go of him.. and i wanna be peacefully happy!

God, help me to let go of him, please.